aintnogod's Xanga

CAN MARTIANS ENJOY GAYNESS?

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 14:11:14 GMT

Professor Condo w/Riverview’s recent paper, “Can Martians Be Gay?” (genuflect 547,008), published in Martian Archaeology Today is based on this recently unearthed Earth artifact and has raised much controversy, swirling around in the rafters, the upper beams, of yours truly as well as much of the amateur Martian archaeological scene.

Professor w/Riverview claims that the figure to the right in this photogravure artifact is an extremely primitive Martian species that evolved on Earth from which we Martians may have somehow descended. He says the Martian, as he calls it—“the copier”—stands in relation to modern Martians in time as the flatworm stood in time to the Earth’s homo sapiens species just before it ceased to exist. He claims, further, that the copier must have been a slave, forced, for some inexplicable reason, to copy or replicate Earthling scribbles and, even, something called a “print out”. The copier’s place in Martian genealogy, he asserts, compares favorably to an Earthling Creationist, also a copier enslaved by certain writings to repeat over and over the same silly things. Creationists were a very backward and ancient Earth species that managed to survive parallel to but without the mental development of the Natural Selectionist, the most advanced species on 20th through 23rd Century Earth. And, finally, Professor w/Riverview believes that the juxtaposition of what he claims to be a Martian with the obviously Earthly gay couple to the Martian’s right, on what he calls the Martian’s “excreta side”, suggests that, perhaps, some early Martians might also have been gay. A tenuous claim at best.

In a paper, published also in MAT (genuflect 547,012), “What A Dumb Thing To Say,” Professor 2BR Starting at $500,000 disputes Dr. w/Riverview’s assertion. He points out, obviously, that Martians have always been asexual beings, created and maintained, not by sexual activity but by our Drones. He observes, secondly, that there is no, or little, evidence in the literature to support Dr. Riverview’s basic premise that “the copier” is a forerunner to modern Martians. He further writes, “If, indeed, the copier is in any way related to the gay couple’s sexuality wouldn’t one of them also be connected to the copier b y way of the hand and arm coupling devices by which the two Earthlings are connected?” In fact, Dr. $500,000 claims that the copier seems to be behind the gay Earthlings, off to the side, as if standing aloof from them, perhaps, even, “judging them”. And, finally, he points out that gay Earthling males were not usually known to couple by means of hand/arm devices. Very little photogravure evidence for such hand/arm coupling exists, while, on the other hand, much evidence, culled from the numerous porndoggy files of gay male interactions in Martian possession, shows them coupling and interacting by means of other body devices. So, perhaps, he climaxes, the two Earthlings in the photogravure are not gay at all.

Professor Walkup in Brooklyn, the model for all outlandish Martian claims, has introduced an even more bizarre idea in his book, Letters To A Dronean Nation (genuflect 545,240). As we all know, he has long claimed that Earthlings were somehow involved in the earliest beginnings of Martian history. He is the most notable proponent for the claim that our Martian government has been covering up the existence of a crashed Earthling space craft at some time in the 21st Century Earth Time from which all Martian structure-life has evolved. With the release of the Riverview artifact, Professor Brooklyn has expanded his claims. He currently contends that Earthlings were not only somehow involved in early Martian life on Earth but that they created Martians. He asserts, with some force, that if one looks closely at the arrangement the two Earthlings create with their two bodies, joined as they are by hand/arm devices, he will see that they spell out the letter “M” with their two bodies. He proposes that the two Earthlings were somehow trying to communicate to the future, perhaps in a time capsule now lost, that the copier on their left was a creature of their own making. Which would mean for Martians that, indeed, there is a God and that He is a gay Earthling male and not a Drone, or, actually, two gay Earthling males.

To the readers of this little blog before you, let me conclude with my own sentiments: “How absolutely Green Cheese.”

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Sat, 12 May 2007 16:30:22 GMT

SCAT SINGING ON LATE 21ST CENTURY EARTH

Professor Condo w/2BR-2BA’s digger drones have unearthed yet another interesting artifact from DeGaulland north of the big water called Atlantis Ocean. In a recent paper, “Stepping In It: a study of foodlessness among late 21st Century earthlings”, Professor w/2BR-2BA claims that food developed religious significance in the late 21st Century because of its scarcity, significance even to the point that one did not, so he claims, “step in” even the waste products at the end of the human food chain called the gastro-intestinal process. He brings forth this recently uncovered, semi-glossy artifact to support his claim.

As we have long known, glossy artifacts meant very much in the Earthling scheme of things. The glossier the artifact, the more significant the act or object being portrayed. Professor w/2BR-2BA points to the stick thin figure of the Earthling female as evidence of her advanced stage of starvation and to the Earthling’s evident avoidance of stepping in what looks like a piece of what may be human waste product. Perhaps, her own? Or maybe she has already stepped in it and is recoiling in religious disgust or shame? And she is also well-dressed, fashionably so. He proposes she may be a type of religious female famed for their sacred “scat singing”?

Professor w/2BR-2BA asserts in an earlier paper that even before food became very scarce, it had begun to develop religious significance among Earthling populations. Though there is very little evidence for such a claim, Dr. w/2BR-2BA has uncovered rumors of a religious singer named Elephant Gerald who supposedly sang in the early part of the 20th Century in the GoodolUSofA. This singer was rumored to be an extraordinarily obese member of the Earthling species, Homo Saps, and she is said to have developed the art of “scat” singing. Other very tenuous evidence has come from scraps of artifacts that connects the word “scat” to all Earth species, from the Hypo-potenuse, an aquatic species, to the Iontigerbear, most feared in the jungles of Munchkinlandia. Hunters were said to look for signs of “scat” when they hunted. Therefore, we can be fairly certain that “scat”, which was an animal defecant, was somehow connected with the practice of “scat singing” or singing about defecation by the obese singer Elephant Gerald.

“Why did humans wish not to step in scat” is another question posed by the artifact before us. Professor w/2BR-2BA draws a connection that is very tenuous about this matter. He points out that there was once a moving photo series called “Solient Green” about Earthlings being tricked into eating one another’s bodies. He proposes that one day we will uncover another moving photo series, possibly called “Solient Brown”, in which Earthlings will be portrayed eating scat as well. So, of course, one would avoid stepping in his potential food.

Another point in dispute. Is the object at the female’s feet actually Earthling scat? Since we are not entirely sure what Earthling waste products looked like (it was biodegradable after all), we Martians have been forced to assume many variables when discussing the shape and form of human defecants. We do know that humans “shat”. We found evidence of that act of defecation in their mythology as put forth in their book of myths, the Dribble. Since we Martians have no concept ourselves of the process of “shatting”, we are hard pressed to understand this Earthling trait. Some Martian archaeologists even claim that some Earthlings believed that their Mythological Superbeing “shat” out the Earth and the Heavens, that “shatting”, therefore, was an act of creation. This hypothesis was supported at the time by the work of the nearly mythological Creationists, if indeed, such ignorant Earthlings ever existed.

Further proof of the glorification of human scat was the expression often used by Earthlings—“Holy Shit!” Shit, we have reason to believe, was another term for scat. Another sign of the deification of scat was that in certain quarters, males, and only male Earthlings, were said to sit on thrones while they shat and read their papers or tea leaves, and many times, we have come across the notion, still to be proven, that Earthlings, at least the Homo Saps, were somehow empowered by the act of sitting on a throne. Such importance can only mean that there is some connection between scat and power. Religious power? Some Earthlings, specially those at the top of Earth Cultures, were often reported to be “full of scat” by those beneath them—being “shat upon”, we must ask? One American president, a certain George W. Bush, was said to be especially “full of scat”. He sat on his throne very early in the 21st Century, so we can see, in that case, how very early on shatting was beginning to gain significance.

As ever, my fellow blogsters, I’m in your indebtedness for reading my little musings on the archaeological happenings of Martian archaeologists busily digging into the surface of that airless, burned out small planet, called Earth.

THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 03:51:34 GMT

Dr. Yellow Bungalow w/ Nifty Deck’s newest paper in the Journal of Earth Archaeology has come up with a shocker and this archaeologist, yours truly, He Who Towers, won’t be one to disagree with Deck’s findings in this blog. But what are we to make of the fragment of artifact that Dr. Deck’s digger drones on Earth have uncovered? (See below.) His artifact does turn things topsyturvy according to Earthling biological science as we understand it, specifically the belief that homo sapiens was the most advanced of Earth species just before the end times or “last quarter” as it was called in certain “religious arenas” where players of what we believe are sporting contests raised their fists to the sky in praise of their hypothetical superbeings and beat their chests like Earthling ape species also can be witnessed doing in several artifacts in Martian possession. As we all know, Earthlings developed the idea of “evolution”, of a process of change through what they called “natural selection.” They piled up irrefutable evidence over the centuries and, eventually, found all the “missing links” that religifiers demanded, even though their genetic and molecular evidence was more than enough proof for the open-minded and objective among them w/o any need to dig up fossil evidence. We Martians are so much more advanced, I must say.

Then, again, as we’ve mentioned, many Earthlings also held the quaint idea that hypothetical superbeings controlled the changes that natural selection visited upon them and refused to accept the heavily documented concept of natural selection. They held these beliefs without the least shred of evidence to support them. Some Martian archaeologists have developed the idea that human life on Earth ended when their “believers in nothing concrete”, as we, the ultimate Concretes or Materialists, name it, ran amok and “brought down the house”, as we would say, with internecine strife and atomic sword play.

Of course, we Martians also believe in the concept of modernization, that is, the process by which our robot servants modernize our facades and change our interior spaces to make ever more room for bigger and better chips and energy sources. For many centuries, now, our robots have been beyond our controlling them, and we find ourselves being changed from time to time without our having to think or plan about it. One day, a construction drone appears, and voila, things beyond our control happen to us. We are so used to it that we hardly comment anymore when things happen to us. We just go with the energy flow.

Could this fellow, pictured in Dr. Deck’s artifact, be one of the last stages of evolution on Earth? And what of this “healthier egg”? We know that Earthling culture, specially the female Earthling culture, was obsessed with putting on weight. We find artifacts everywhere which speak about weight gain, and, evidently, they were getting pretty good at “putting on the pounds”. Some evidence being developed during their 20th Century suggests that in the GoodOlUSofA people were having much success at weight gain. The practice was spreading too. Other nations, like Nippon and DeGaulland, were beginning to put on the pounds as never before according to fragmentary news-spreading documents we have gathered. It does not take too much imagination to see that this artifact, with its high-gloss paper, could be a “mind-alterer” (GoodOlUSofAers were specially good at mind-altering), celebrating the creation of an egg-thing that might help Earthlings to put on the pounds. Who better to develop the egg than the chicken, we must ask. And I do believe that this artifact may put to rest that perennial Earthling question Martian researches have come across, “What came first—the chicken or the egg?”

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 13:12:49 GMT

FAMILY LINKS TO EARTH ARCHAEOLOGY

As most of my readers know—I rarely delve into personal matters on this blog, confining my reflections mostly to archaeological matters, but at the demolition of my Great Aunt Log Cabin recently, several scanalogues came into my possession. You are familiar with my façade, there at the bottom, which you’re probably getting tired of seeing in my blog profile, but the other scanalogue (the first one) is of two of my great great great grandfathers nearly 100,000 genuflects ago. As you can see they were twins. What is most exciting to the archaeologist in yours truly, something I’m pretty certain my Aunt Log did not recognize she had, are the primitive dwellings viewed in the background, behind my two ancestors. And even more exciting is the close resemblance those ancient Martians, May the Great Architect Who Watches Over Us Bless their Chips, bear to what the Earthlings called their “dwellings” or, sometimes, “houses”. In fact, the evidence in this scanalogue is so confused that I’m not certain if this artifact was scanned on Earth or on ancient Mars. This is not the first time, as I’ve pointed out in past blogs, that Martian archaeologists, working their digger drones on Earth, have uncovered artifacts that show a strong connection between Earthling dwelling places and our own Martian bodies. But how or when we Martians colonized Earth or transported ourselves down to the surface of that planet, and in such primitive conditions, if such be the case, we have no evidence to date. Although, Dr. Walkup w/bath, in his paper, “Hollow Echoes of Past Kitchens” (genuflect 574,342) argues strongly for the connection between Earthling dwelling places and our beautiful and enduring Martian facades and structures, there is little evidence to support his claims. Dr. Walkup reminds me, and several of my fellow archaeologists, of the Earthling male recently discovered, called A Rich Von Danican, whose 20th Century books suggested that Earthlings were brought to Earth by what they called “aliens”, that is, if you want a chuckle, us. Well who knows, really. Shut the door and close my room—stranger things have been disked. View you next time.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 14:12:22 GMT

ARM-RAISING FEMALE BEHAVIOR BY EARTHLINGS

After genuflects of delving into the practice of “arm raising by Earthling females”, Martian Professor Tudor Revival has unearthed and collected thousands of documents which reveal the practice in all its permutations. He has recently communicated to me samples of his vast collection of “arm raising female Earthlings” after collaging them on 8-1/2 by 11 specimen paper.

Arm raising among Earthling females seems to have increased in scope and significance in 20th Century world culture, but we do not know whether this is because they did not develop the technology to document the practice before that time or whether it simply was not practiced before then. Martian archaeologists assume that any practice they uncover in an Earthling era must have roots in its earlier times. That is the case with most cultural practices archaeologists examine. If we find it at one time and place, we generally can expect to find it in permutations at other times and places. Cultural change functions in that manner.

We do have a single piece of evidence that nearly proves that the Earthling arm raising practice dates at least to mid-19th Century on the NATO continent. There an artist named John September Ingrate painted the piece of work below, sometimes called simply “odaliskue” and sometimes by others “risqué” in tones of opprobrium. In that painting [below] the raised arms are obvious already in practice. And one cannot escape the conclusion that the large figure on the right, in white wrappings but nearly without facade, in Dr. Revival’s specimens is copying almost identically the pose of the female earthling in the Ingrate figure.

Did the practice have religious significance? Professor Big House suggests in his paper, “The Religious Significance of Arm-raised Gestures in Late 20th Century Earth Culture” (genuflect 200,956) that indeed they were religious gestures. He points out the almost universal expressions of joy or transcendence on the malleable faces of the Earthling females in Professor Revival’s examples. However, Professor Large Rancher 2br & 1/Bath, in his paper, “Uplifting Gestures of Disgust” (genuflect 400,321) notes that the earlier figure by Ingrate doesn’t seem happy at all, and he notes the bored expression of the figure (male or female) beside the reclining female. If it were a religious posture, he reasons, the figure to the left would not be bored with what he is watching, unless, of course, the painting is a sly or ironic comment on the religion of the females. Maybe the figure on the left is the artist himself, commenting with his bored expression on the arm-raised female Earthling.

Finally, what are we to make of the dark figure in the background? That adds a very interesting ambiguity to the entire motif, religious or otherwise.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 13:59:20 GMT

KRAVITZMAN: STUNNING NEW EVIDENCE OF EARTHLING/MARTIAN CONNECTION

For many genuflects, as some of the readers of this blog must know who have been following our Martian archaeological explorations on Earth, a few scientists, myself sometimes included, have hypothesized that a connection must exist between ourselves and Earthlings, that somehow the jelly-headed Earthling and the solid Martian are linked in some as yet unexplained way. On the facade of it, how else can we explain what seem to be the earthly dwellings of humans that fragmentary evidence shows to look so much like Martians? This recently uncovered document from the nation-state of New York in Northern GoodOl’USofA demonstrates a striking, though teasingly inconclusive, connection between a Martian being-in-the-universe and a male of the earthling species.

Of the couple of words, we can translate, we now know “download” to mean some sort of information transfusion between one earth object and another, something like the way language transfuses between one Martian and another. Even the most simplistically constructed Martian can recognize in the representation presented here the ubiquitous Martian “jack” by which Martians acheive interconnective communication and procreation while that threadlike continuum which wraps around the Earthling body certainly does suggest a single communication-thread, though more simplistic, like the millions which course through any Martian body, even the most primitive of us. We must ask whether this Kravitzman might have somehow stuck his jack into some early Martian being to communicate with it, that is, with one of us in an earlier time? We must also ask whether he “jacked” one of us for nefarious purposes rather than for beneficial ones? As always, the little documentary evidence that we do posses is still inconclusive.

We in archaeology must admit that our means for interpreting documentary evidence is still fraught with problems. We now know that exegesis, the method by which Earthlings interpreted their language books (i.e. their Bibles, Korans, Upanishads, Moby Dicks, Shakespeares, Grishams, Kings, Lotus sutras and what have you) is full of error and can never be trusted to yield anything but mythology. However, picture evidence is more certain, and we can see with some certainty what our own looking devices tell us. Interpretation, though, is tricky and must be approached with caution. Martian hardscience continues to advance, however, and now that we are beginning to uncover human fossils we may soon be able to actually clone an Earthling, jack it, jack it on or jack it off and ask it what it knows of its past.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 12:33:58 GMT

DISTURBING THOUGHTS BY EARTHLINGS TOWARD MARTIANS?

Recent archaeological digs on the NATO (?- name still in dispute) continent of Earth have turned up this important document, discovered in an Earth refuse pile, which links half an Earthling face (in foreground) with a Martian being or beings (behind the blue cube). In this Earth document, a bluish cube is superimposed on a replica of a Martian facade that resembles many facades in my own family. [Reference my own blog photo of myself, He Who Towers Above.] The Martian behind the cube resembles also very much our Martian president’s own Citibank, or Citizenbanque, family. We can see that the Earthling’s expression is not a friendly stare. The male’s eye appears narrowed as in a glare. (Please pardon the unintentional rhyme.) The Earth male wears a typically Earthly expression of aggression, distrust or downright hostility as contrasted to a Martian’s usually impenetrable façade.

I and my colleagues often come across “thought” or “language” pictures which resemble the document above, except most projected “language bites” are surrounded by irregularly shaped, cloud-like structures with a small pointed appendage extending down from the “language clouds” to the head or mouth of the Earthling supposedly thinking (or speaking) the “language unit”. Often these thought or language pictures are drawn figures rather than photographed ones. They frequently appear in Earthly communication documents, called “comic books”. Therefore, I conclude it is not too far afield to suppose that the blue cube next to an Earthling face whose eyes seem studied, as if lost in thought, can be interpreted without too much stretch of imagination, as an “object of thought” or a “thought object”, although Professor Cabana of Canal Street College disputes that conclusion in his paper, “Mustn’t Clouds Rain?’. (Genuflect 101,199) He suggests that the blue cube might be interpreted as a substitute for a “thought cloud” itself. Thus, in Dr. Cabana’s interpretation, the Earth male is empty-headed. He is thinking nothing.

We must ask ourselves, what does the bluish cube mean? Is it a thought? If so, what is the Earthling thinking? Does the blue cube reflect what he is thinking about the Martian facade upon which his thought cube is resting or is their juxtaposition merely incidental and irrelevant? One preliminary suggestion is that the blue cube (i.e. square) refers to a negative expression which Earthlings of the early 20th Century used: “to be square”, meaning to be out of the flow of earthly things as normally followed. Also during or near that time, in fact, for at least a century earlier than that, verbal interplay which was deemed “bad” could be called “blue” language or, if a written expression, “purple” prose. So taking the Earthling glare into account, the “blueness” of the thought cube, the superimposition of the cube over the Martian façade, the meaning of “square” in Earthling meaning units, I believe we must tentatively conclude that our document does represent an Earthling whose intentions toward our Martian look-alike are less than friendly.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 00:09:43 GMT

CAN THIS BE EVIDENCE OF GENOCIDE?

Recently, the Martian Better Homes and Gardens Department released a series of shocking photos which purport to show that Earth's vanished peoples may have lived inside structures which bear striking resemblances to Martian anatomy. The Martian government has known about these photos for some time, as long as 1500 genuflects ago, but has hesitated to release them for fear the Martian populace would not be able to handle the shocking truth that Martians may have some as yet unknown deep relationship to Earth peoples.

First I give you a photo [above] of myself, He Who Towers, so that readers of my blog can have a starting point. It's also my blog photo and, I should add, I'm quite proud of my distinguished and imposing facade.

Next a picture of my cousin, Reflecting On Others. He's quite a few genuflects younger than yours truly:

Next, I show you a recently released photo of an Earthling male who obviously and unashamedly is playing inside the body of a Martian child, one of the children of those Martians among us who are called the "Children of Dr. Who". No explanation has ever been put forward for that name. This red-painted child bears a remarkable resemblance to One ringa-dingy, a distant cousin of my Aunt Moon in the Door.

Please note what the earthling holds between his lips. I believe they were called "coffin nails" by many Earth civilizations. "Coffin nails" had ominous and unfavorable connotations for the earthly ones. We do know that nails could be on the ends of the limited five-fingered hands of Earthlings, but nails were also used to hold things together. They were driven into inanimate objects with no concern for the well-being or permission of the inanimate objects like we Martians. Also, it appears many of the viewing panes of our Martian child have been knocked out. He is possibly blind.

Finally, and also very disturbing is the following and final photo which shows the obviously adversarial relationship Earthwomenkind had toward Martian beings. Archaeologists are just beginning to understand what those huge red growths for human hands mean. They were adaptations for beings called pugilists. They grew those huge hands so that human beings could strike each other about the head and body in a practice called fisticuffs. We don't know why Earthlings liked to hit each other with those huge hands, but we think it was actually a sport, practiced inside a square place, lined with strings, and each pugilist accumulated points for the number of times he or she were able to successfully strike one another.

Behind our "pugilist", in great hanging ropes, are what appears to be the guts of some hapless Martian torn out and displayed for a human cameraperson. We have no idea why such a barbarous action was perpetrated against a defenseless Martian being, whether the poor inanimate being was alive or dead at the time it was gutted. The poster suggests she is to be pitted against Martians in what was called a "boxing match" back in Earth's most barbaric 21st Century.

Last things last, as we say here on Mars—the set of language bits (IBM) in the upper right geometric corner of the last revelation translates, we are beginning to believe, into Irritable Bowel Movement. Earthlings like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly and Pat Robertson, according to recent research in cultural aberrations, often emitted IBMs over the airwaves of earth. They were said to be very easily irritated and mentally challenged Earthlings who poisoned Earth's air quality on a regular basis during the late 20th and early 21st Centuries.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Fri, 19 May 2006 22:06:02 GMT

A PUZZLE FOR MARTIAN SCIENTISTS: UNCLE & AUNT SAM?

Dr. Cape Cod Cottage, in a recent paper before the Martian Assembly of Archaeologists and Other Twits, made a startling claim that not only was there an Uncle Sam in American history, but he may have had a counterpart in Aunt Sam. After several years of exhaustive research, Doctor Cottage uncovered and submitted the picture on the right as a possible candidate for Aunt Sam. He has called attention to the head coverings of each which bear striking comparison to one another. Further he notes that all aunts had uncles just as the well proven fact that all dads were paired with moms and grandpaws (sic) with grandmaws (sic). Finally, he notes the nearness in Earth time to the two pictures. Uncle Sam appeared circa 1940 and the picture of candidate Aunt circa 2000. Give or take 10 Earth years for either date, and they fall pretty close to one another in Earth years, well within established margins of error.

Still in debate is the meaning of grand-mal seizures unless it refers to the practice of the seemingly much-hated American institution, the IRS, to seize various things from American citizens for non-payment of religious tithes or citizenship dues. Perhaps, as Dr. Mansion suggests in his informative paper "Seizures of All Kinds" (genuflect 199,002), the IRS would sometimes seize people, thus, the references in various documents to grandmal seizures when, perhaps, grandmaws were seized if grandpaws failed to "cough up the taxes" as dues and tithes were sometimes called.

Dr. Cave 'du' Hills disputes Dr. Cottage's claims, "Glossy Is As Glossy Is"(genuflect 199,000), submitting that the glossiness of the two disputed documents show that the second picture was valued much more highly than the Uncle Sam picture. Again, we find this issue of the glossiness factor in the documents we've discovered throughout Earth's surfaces, cultures, nations and peoples.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thu, 18 May 2006 23:15:16 GMT

THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING

TRAVEL TO A TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY AMERICAN CIVILIZATION